Have you ever felt like the wind was literally knocked out of you by bad news? I am not talking about a figure of speech. I mean that physical, chest-crushing sensation where your body forgets how to function.

When we talk about grief, we usually talk about the sadness. We talk about the tears. But we rarely talk about the physical “breathlessness” or the brain fog that feels suspiciously like my unmedicated ADHD on steroids.

In this episode, I sat down with Thomas Attig. He is an applied philosopher and a legend in the field of grief studies. We talked about why “letting go” is terrible advice and why grief is not a problem to be solved. It is a mystery to be lived.

If you are currently navigating a loss, or if you are supporting someone who is, this conversation offers a different perspective. It is not about “moving on.” It is about relearning how to be you in a world that has fundamentally changed.

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Why This Conversation Matters

We live in a “fix it” culture. When something breaks, we buy a new one. When we feel bad, we want a pill or a strategy to feel better instantly. But death does not work that way.

Thomas Attig has spent fifty years studying how humans respond to death. He argues that we have been looking at it all wrong. We treat grief as a passive emotion that happens to us. But what if it is something we can actively do?

This episode is sponsored by Sucreabeille. They are an indie perfume house that champions storytelling and authentic emotion. We actually collaborated on a scent called “Why Did I Walk Into This Room?” It smells like warm cherry pie and cinnamon, and it is basically a hug for your brain when the fog rolls in. It is a gender-neutral love letter to the ADHD community and anyone who needs a little comfort. Check it out at Sucreabeille.com.

3 Key Takeaways from Thomas Attig

1. The Myth of “Letting Go” – Society loves to tell us we need closure. We need to “let go” so we can move forward. Thomas completely rejects this. He suggests we move from “loving in presence” to “loving in separation.”

Think about it. You do not stop loving your best friend just because they leave the room. You do not stop loving your partner when they go to work. We are experts at loving people when they are not physically next to us. Grief is learning to extend that love across a permanent distance. The goal isn’t to forget. It is to find new ways to remember.

2. Active Grieving vs. Passive Sadness – This was a huge “A-Ha” moment for me.

  • Passive Sadness: This is what happens to you. It is the emotion that washes over you. You have no control over it.
  • Active Grieving: This is what you do. It is how you choose to reshape your daily habits. It is how you decide to reorganize your closet or how you choose to speak about the person you lost.

Thomas notes that grieving involves “relearning how to live in the world.” Your world has changed. The web of your life has been torn. Active grieving is the process of weaving those strands back together in a new pattern.

3. The “Five Stages” Are Ego Defenses – We have all heard of the Kubler-Ross “Five Stages of Grief” (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Thomas points out that these are actually mechanisms our ego uses to try and control the uncontrollable.

  • Denial: “If I ignore it, it isn’t real.”
  • Anger: “I can fight this.”
  • Bargaining: “I can negotiate my way out.”

When these fail, we hit depression. Acceptance isn’t the end of the road; it is just the starting line for the real work of relearning how to live.

(Note: Research from the American Psychological Association supports the idea that grief is not linear and does not follow a set timeline or checklist.)

Resources Mentioned

Thomas Attig has released a new collection of writings titled “Seeking Wisdom in Death’s Shadows.” It distills a lifetime of listening and teaching into guidance for mourners.

If you are struggling to find the words to explain what you are going through, his work is an incredible resource.

People Also Ask (FAQs)

Is there a specific timeline for grieving? No. According to Thomas Attig, you never stop missing the person who died. We miss the people we love when they are alive but absent, so it makes sense to miss them when they have passed. The intensity changes, but there is no stopwatch on love.

Why does grief make me feel so tired and foggy? Grief is a profound disorientation. Thomas explains that our lives are like a web of connections. When someone dies, that web is torn. Your brain is working overtime to process this new reality, which leads to physical exhaustion and “brain fog” similar to what we experience with executive dysfunction.

Is it okay to keep their belongings? Yes. Grieving is choice-filled. You can choose to leave the room exactly as it was for three months, or you can choose to pack it up tomorrow. The important thing is that you make the choice based on what helps you relearn the world, not based on what society tells you to do.

Try This Today

If you are grieving, take the pressure off. Stop trying to “solve” your grief. Instead, ask yourself one question: “How can I love this person in separation today?”

Maybe it is telling a story about them. Maybe it is eating their favorite food. Maybe it is just sitting quietly and missing them. That is not weakness. That is active love.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed mental health professional. I am just a guy sharing my story and conversations with experts. Please seek professional help if you are struggling.

Much love. Good vibes. – Ky