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The Version of Me That Said “I’m Fine”

I spent years being the easy one. The low-maintenance one. The one who said “I’m fine” before anyone even thought to ask.

What I did not have a name for back then was autistic masking, and the quiet toll it takes on your mental health. It was just how I got through the day.

In my conversation with Calial McCarty, that word finally clicked into place. This one hit close to home, so let me walk you through what we got into and why it might reframe a few things for you too.

Meet Calial McCarty, Therapist and Author

Calial McCarty is a licensed mental health counselor and a board-certified autism specialist based in Washington State. She is also AuDHD and chronically ill, so she speaks about this work as both a clinician and someone who lives it every day.

She wrote a book about one simple idea: your divergent brain should not have to bend to fit neurotypical rules. This fall she is also opening a community space for disabled and neurodivergent folks.

You can follow her and find her book and the Neurobloom Center over on Calial McCarty’s Instagram.

What Autistic Masking Really Costs Your Mental Health

Masking is when you hide or perform your way through a world that was not built for your brain. Calial says we get the word half right and half wrong at the same time.

In her words, “we use the term masking in an overuse, but then in an understatement all at the same time.” We toss it around casually, and we also fail to name how deeply it damages our mental health.

She described what happens on the inside when you mask for years. “You start to question yourself and you start to wonder like, am I doing life wrong,” she said, until you almost begin to “gaslight yourself.” Recognized ADHD resources like ADDitude Magazine describe masking as intentionally shifting your behavior to hide your differences, which drives genuine exhaustion and burnout. If that resonates, I broke down my own version of this in an earlier post in the blog on why ADHD masking exhausts adults and how to unmask.

How Autistic Masking Starts in Childhood

Here is the part that stopped me. Calial traces autistic masking all the way back to early childhood, long before anyone gets a diagnosis.

She painted the picture like this. “At three years old, kids who are like, ow, that hurts. And then the parents who even with the best intentions go, you’re fine, you’re fine.” That, she says, starts a domino effect.

Over time the child stops saying “that hurts” out loud. Then they stop saying it to themselves. As a kid, Calial says, “all I wanted to do was fit into the point of being invisible.” It is the same survival wiring I unpack in a past episode in the podcast archive on double masking as an ADHD introvert.

The Structure Should Change, Not You

This is the heart of Calial’s work, and it is something I say all the time. The goal is not to fix the neurodivergent person. The goal is to change the structure around them.

That reframe matters for your mental health, because masking is not a willpower problem. It is your nervous system running a full-time background program just to look okay, which is biology and executive load, not weakness.

It also connects to late diagnosis. Clinical bodies like CHADD note that ADHD commonly continues into adulthood, which means a lot of adults spent decades masking before they had any language for it. And if you have ever been told nothing is wrong with you for being quiet, this ties into my post on why introverts are just fine exactly as they are.

When Your Body Sets the Boundary for You

Calial is also chronically ill, and she was honest about how that reshaped her life. A major surgery and a long stretch of being unable to walk forced her to redefine what a successful day even looks like.

What struck me most was the medical gaslighting she pushed through. Doctor after doctor told her she was fine, until one finally found a real cause and she thought, “thank you, this is not normal.”

Her point for the rest of us was steadying: advocate for yourself, because you know your own body. Protecting your peace sometimes means trusting what you feel over what you are told.

Small Steps to Start Unmasking Without Burning Out

Unmasking all at once is a fast track to overwhelm. Calial’s advice is to start with your heavy hitters, the one to three things that drain you most.

For her, it was the exhausting habit of forcing eye contact, which she joked made her feel like “an awkward eagle.” She dropped that one small performance first, then built from there.

She also said this plainly: do not do it alone. Lean on a trusted friend, or a therapist whose scope of practice fits, so the work of setting boundaries feels supported instead of scary.

Key Takeaways

  • Autistic masking is a survival response with a real mental health cost, not a personality flaw or a lack of effort.
  • The pattern often starts in childhood, so unlearning it as an adult takes patience and self-compassion, not force.
  • The environment is what needs to change, which means you can stop trying to earn your place by shrinking.
  • Start unmasking with one small habit, ask for support, and let your body and your peace lead the way.

People Also Ask

Q: What is autistic masking?
A: Autistic masking is when a neurodivergent person hides or suppresses natural traits to appear neurotypical. It can look like forcing eye contact, scripting conversations, or copying other people’s behavior. It is usually an unconscious survival strategy, and over time it is closely linked to anxiety, exhaustion, and burnout.

Q: How do you know if you are masking?
A: Common signs include feeling completely drained after social time, rehearsing what you will say in advance, and hiding stims or fidgets to look calm. Many people notice they feel like a different person in public than they do at home. If being around others leaves you needing hours alone to recover, masking may be part of the reason.

Q: What does AuDHD mean?
A: AuDHD is an informal term for someone who is both autistic and has ADHD. The two profiles can pull in different directions, like craving both routine and novelty at once. Calial McCarty speaks about this from lived experience as an AuDHD clinician.

Q: Is people pleasing a trauma response?
A: People pleasing can be a trauma or stress response, sometimes called fawning, where you prioritize others to stay safe or accepted. For many neurodivergent adults, it develops in childhood alongside masking. Naming it is often the first step toward setting healthier boundaries.

Final Thoughts

The line from Calial that I keep coming back to is her answer about the one thing she wants people to hear. “Being yourself is like absolutely okay,” she said. “It’s not you. It might be the people that you’re around. So don’t change you.”

That reframed so much for me, especially how long I spent performing okay when I was not. Being yourself was never the problem. I want to be clear that I am not a licensed mental health professional and this is not medical advice, so if you are struggling, please reach out to a qualified professional.

If this one landed, do three quick things. Go grab Calial’s book and follow her work through Calial McCarty on Instagram, leave a review on whatever platform you are listening on, and follow me @TheVibeWithKy everywhere. For the ADHD Deep Dive Library and exclusive content you will not find anywhere else, subscribe on Patreon for five dollars a month.

Much love. Good vibes. – Ky