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Ever get the feeling that you’re living a double life? One version of yourself out in the world, and a totally different one at home? Do you catch yourself hiding your quirks, fidgeting, or chaos because you’re worried about being “too much”? If you’ve felt this way, you are far from alone. In this week’s episode of The Vibe With Ky Podcast, I dive deep into ADHD masking: what it is, why so many of us do it, and how you can finally start to let your real self breathe.
What Is ADHD Masking and Why Should We Talk About It?
This episode is a special one for me. Not just because I turned 38 this week (May 26th is my birthday), but because I spent a lot of that birthday stuck at home with my thoughts, and my cats, thinking about how often I’ve tried to blend in. Even as a guy who literally talks about ADHD for a living, I still sometimes fall into the trap of hiding my symptoms. Masking is so sneaky that sometimes you don’t even know you’re doing it.
ADHD masking, at its core, is when we hide our natural behaviors, struggles, or quirks just to fit into a world that often doesn’t get how our brains work. For many of us, it started in childhood when we were told to “sit still,” “stop daydreaming,” or “try harder.” Over time, that need to fit in turns into automatic habits of hiding. So automatic that it can take years to even notice.
As I shared in the podcast:
You know, sometimes I still catch myself trying to act quote, normal, whatever that means. Even now, after my ADHD diagnosis… I’ll find myself hiding parts of how my brain really works. Like I’m stuck on autopilot, still trying to fit in. And it’s exhausting, it really is.
Why Do Adults With ADHD Mask Their Symptoms?
Let’s be real: most of us learned to mask because, somewhere along the way, being ourselves led to rejection, judgment, or just being misunderstood. And the wildest part? A lot of us don’t even realize we’re doing it.
I masked my symptoms for over 30 years. I became a pro at acting “normal.” I’d rehearse my words to avoid interrupting, organize my desk for hours before anyone saw it, and say yes to things just to avoid looking flaky. And at the end of the day, it left me completely drained.
Research shows that adults with ADHD mask their symptoms much more than neurotypical people, and while not as much as people with autism, the mental health costs are still huge. Prolonged masking is linked to anxiety, depression, and burnout (source). In fact, one study found that 89% of people with ADHD expect discrimination, which is a big reason why masking becomes second nature (source).
What Does ADHD Masking Actually Look Like?
Masking isn’t always about pretending to be hyper-focused or hiding big struggles. Sometimes it’s small things, like:
- Taking detailed notes in meetings so you don’t look spaced out
- Cleaning like a maniac before guests arrive
- Rehearsing conversations in your head before they happen
- Saying yes to things you know will burn you out, just to avoid looking lazy
- Apologizing for being “too much” or “too forgetful”
As I told the story of “Sam,” a listener who wrote in:
“I’ve spent most of my life pretending I’m someone that I’m not. I’ve always tried to act calm. I always tried to act organized, even though my brain is chaos 24/7… I thought I was being quote, responsible, but now I realize I’m hiding. It’s starting to feel fake, but I don’t know how to just be myself.”
Sound familiar? You are not alone.
My Journey to Unmasking (And Why It’s Still a Work in Progress)
When I finally got my ADHD diagnosis at 34, it was like someone gave me a new pair of glasses. Suddenly, I could see all the ways I’d been trying to blend in, and all the ways it was costing me.
That’s when I started trying something new: letting my symptoms work for me, not against me.
- If I needed to fidget, I fidgeted.
- If I zoned out, I let myself come back when I was ready. No shame.
- I started talking openly about my brain at work, with friends, and on this podcast.
Is it easy? Not even close. But it’s lighter. I don’t feel like I’m carrying a secret anymore.
Actionable Tip: The Bathroom Strategy
One practical hack from this episode? I call it “the bathroom strategy.” When I was in school (and honestly, sometimes now), I’d take bathroom breaks just to breathe, regroup, and let my real self out for a minute. I wasn’t even using the bathroom half the time. I just needed a place where I didn’t have to act.
If you feel like you’re performing all day, try building small escape hatches into your routine. Maybe it’s a bathroom break, a solo walk, or just stretching in the hallway. Use those moments to let the mask drop and reset.
Quick how-to:
- Notice when you start to feel anxious or fake.
- Excuse yourself for a minute, if you can.
- Drop the act, breathe, and come back as yourself.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. If you try it and it flops, don’t beat yourself up. Masking is a survival skill. If you’re still using it, it’s because you need it. The point isn’t perfection, it’s just practice.
5 Signs You Might Be Masking Your ADHD
- You feel exhausted after social interactions, even when nothing “big” happened.
- You act differently at work than you do at home.
- You over-prepare or rehearse what you want to say.
- You feel guilty or fake when you let your real self show.
- You constantly apologize for being “too much.”
FAQ
Q. What is ADHD masking, really?
A. ADHD masking is when you hide your symptoms, quirks, or struggles to fit in or avoid judgment. This often starts in childhood but can become automatic in adulthood.
Q. Can masking delay getting an ADHD diagnosis?
A. Yes. Many people (especially women and nonbinary folks) get diagnosed late because they’re so good at hiding their symptoms that teachers, doctors, or family don’t notice.
Q. How do you start unmasking safely?
A. Notice when you’re masking, find one safe space or person to practice letting your guard down, and celebrate every time you show up as your real self. If you need support, working with a therapist or ADHD coach can help.
5 Key Takeaways
- ADHD masking is common and often automatic for adults with ADHD.
- The mental health cost of masking is real: burnout, anxiety, and confusion about who you are.
- Masking can delay diagnosis, especially for women and nonbinary people.
- Unmasking starts with self-awareness and finding safe spaces to be yourself.
- There’s no shame in using masking as a survival skill, but you deserve to drop the act sometimes.
Conclusion
If you’re living with ADHD and you find yourself hiding, you are not alone. I’m not a mental health professional, and this isn’t medical advice, but I hope this blog and podcast give you a reason to feel less alone and maybe even try showing up as your real self. One small moment at a time.
If you want more support on your journey, check out my digital guidebook, Navigating ADHD as an Adult. You can always reach out to me by email, DM, or in the comments. If this resonated with you, share your story, and don’t forget to rate or review the podcast. You never know who might need to hear it.
Much love. Good vibes. – Ky
