For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. And I couldn’t really explain it. I’d forget appointments, zone out mid-conversation, miss deadlines, and beat myself up over every little thing. I told myself I was lazy. Irresponsible. Broken.
What I didn’t know then was that what I was really carrying was ADHD shame. And it was weighing me down more than any missed task ever could.
Wait… What Is ADHD Shame?
If you’re new to this, ADHD shame isn’t just feeling bad about forgetting your keys. It’s deeper than that.
It’s a kind of shame that builds up over years… from teachers who said you weren’t trying hard enough, from jobs where you couldn’t keep up with “simple” things, from friends or family who saw your struggles but misunderstood them.
According to ADDitude Magazine, people with ADHD often experience this kind of shame because we’re constantly judged for things that feel outside of our control. We get labeled as lazy or careless when really, our brains are just wired differently.
Shame vs. Guilt (Yes, There’s a Difference)
This took me a while to understand. Guilt is “I did something wrong.” Shame is “I am something wrong.” And for people with ADHD, that distinction matters. A lot.
I used to feel guilty about missing deadlines. But over time, that guilt turned into shame. I started believing that I was the problem. That no matter how hard I tried, I would always let people down.
And that belief? It shows up in your life in sneaky ways… perfectionism, procrastination, people-pleasing, or completely shutting down. Shame doesn’t just live in your head. It lives in your habits.
Where the Shame Really Comes From
A lot of the shame I carry didn’t start in adulthood. It started in school.
I was the kid who could answer every question in class but never turned in homework. I got more red marks than encouragement. I was told I had “so much potential” but was “wasting it.”
Research shows that by the age of 10, kids with ADHD hear 20,000 more negative comments than their neurotypical peers. That’s not just feedback. That’s conditioning.
We grow up internalizing the message: “Something is wrong with me.” And it sticks. Especially for those of us diagnosed later in life. By the time we get answers, the damage has already been done.
My Shame Spiral (And How I Knew I Was In One)
I didn’t have the words for it at the time, but I know now what was happening. I’d mess something up, like forgetting a meeting, and it would snowball.
One mistake turned into:
- “I’m unreliable.”
- “No one can count on me.”
- “I ruin everything.”
That’s a shame spiral. And the worst part? You start avoiding things because you expect to fail. Which then causes more failure. Which then causes more shame. It’s a cycle that feeds itself.
What’s Helped Me (So Far)
I’m still in the process. But here’s what’s been working for me lately:
1. Learning the Truth About ADHD
Understanding how my brain works was step one. Knowing that this is a neurodevelopmental condition (not a character flaw) helped me stop blaming myself so harshly. I highly recommend reading or journaling through Navigating ADHD as an Adult. I wrote it for people like me who were tired of feeling broken.
2. Naming the Shame
Sometimes I just say it out loud: “This is shame talking.” That small moment of awareness can break the spiral. It’s not magic, but it gives me just enough space to choose a kinder response.
3. Practicing Self-Compassion
This is tough. ADHD often comes with low self-compassion. But I’ve learned to ask myself: “Would I talk to a friend like this?” If the answer is no, I try to adjust my tone, even just a little.
4. Therapy
I know not everyone has access to therapy, but it’s been a game-changer for me. Having a safe space to unpack these beliefs helped me reconnect to my actual worth, not the version shaped by years of criticism.
5. Being Around People Who Get It
Whether it’s a support group, a friend with ADHD, or even strangers on the internet… knowing I’m not alone helps take the sting out of it. Shame thrives in silence. Connection weakens it.
You’re Not Broken… You’re Just Wired Differently
If you’ve been feeling like you’re always messing up… like you’re too much or not enough… I see you.
You’re not lazy. You’re not failing. You’re a human being with a brain that works differently. And that’s okay.
We don’t have to carry this shame forever. We can learn to talk back to it. Reframe it. Heal it.
You deserve peace, not perfection.
Much love. Good vibes. – Ky
Recap Section
This blog explored how ADHD shame builds up over time, why it’s different from guilt, and what I’ve been doing to manage it.
5 Key Takeaways:
- ADHD shame often starts in childhood and builds from constant criticism.
- Shame feels like “I am the problem,” not “I made a mistake.”
- Understanding ADHD’s neurobiology can reduce self-blame.
- Self-compassion, therapy, and supportive communities help break the shame spiral.
- You’re not alone. And you’re not broken.
Actionable Items
- Write down one moment this week where shame showed up, and reframe it.
- Say “This is shame, not truth” when negative self-talk kicks in.
- Read a page from Navigating ADHD as an Adult and reflect on what resonates.
- Follow one ADHD creator or support group online.
- Practice saying, “I’m doing my best with what I have.”
FAQ Section
Q. Is ADHD shame common in adults?
A. Yes, it’s incredibly common, especially for those diagnosed later in life. You’re not imagining it.
Q. Can therapy help with ADHD shame?
A. Absolutely. It’s helped me identify old beliefs and replace them with healthier ones.
Q. How do I know if I’m in a shame spiral?
A. If one mistake sends you into a loop of “I ruin everything,” that’s likely shame, not truth.
Q. Can self-compassion really help?
A. Yes, but it takes practice. It’s like building a new muscle. Start small.
Q. Where can I learn more about ADHD and shame?
A. Check out this ADDitude Magazine article for expert insights and tools that have helped me, too.
Let me know in the comments if this resonated with you, or if you’ve found something that helps when shame shows up. We’re all figuring it out, one step at a time.
Much love. Good vibes. – Ky
Hi Ky.
Yes, this definitely resonates with me. I’m almost 72 & just finding out how others with ADHD feel! My life has been so affected by the shame game that I have always wrestled with ending my life to end the pain.
I should also feel ashamed because I feel so much better since my parents & grandmother died. The criticism from mostly them has affected my entire life.
I have so many questions I would like to ask you. Like: do you take medication? Is that helpful?
Thank you, Ky, for writing this article. It helped❣️
Marlene
Hi Marlene! Thank you so much for your message, and for your honesty. I want you to know that your words touched me deeply. I’m so sorry for the pain and shame you’ve carried for so long. No one should have to go through that, especially not alone.
There’s nothing shameful about feeling some relief after the passing of people who caused you pain. That’s not cold, it’s human. And it speaks volumes about how long you’ve had to carry the weight of their criticism. I see your strength in that, not weakness.
To answer your question: yes, I do take medication. For me, it’s been helpful, especially in creating more mental clarity and stability so I can better manage my daily life. It’s not a magic fix, and it took some trial and error, but it’s one tool in a bigger toolbox that includes therapy, community, structure, and self-compassion.
I’m honored that the article helped you feel even a little more seen. You’re not alone anymore, Marlene. You’ve already taken a powerful step by reaching out. I’d be happy to answer more of your questions. You can email me at [email protected] any time.
With warmth,
Ky