Have you ever felt like no matter how much you achieve, you are secretly just waiting for everyone to figure out you are a fraud? I know I have. As a Senior Paid Media Strategist and a content creator, I have spent a lot of my life masking my own insecurities behind a wall of high achievement and performance. It is exhausting to live with a loud inner critic that constantly points out your flaws.
To help make sense of this heavy feeling, I sat down with Kristine Jensen, a licensed psychotherapist in California and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional with over four decades of clinical experience. Kristine is the author of Bruised Not Broken: Healing the Shame of a Troubled Childhood. She stopped by the studio to explain why our inner critic is not a personal failure, but rather a biological survival skill.
Before we get into the details, I want to quickly mention that this season is proudly sponsored by Sucreabeille. You can check out my official gender-neutral collab fragrance, “Why Did I Walk Into This Room”.
Understanding the Difference Between Shame and Guilt
In the mental health community, we tend to throw the word “shame” around casually. However, there is a very distinct clinical difference between feeling guilty and feeling ashamed.
Kristine breaks it down perfectly for us.
“The distinction is that guilt says, I did a bad thing. My behavior was not up to par. I regret that. And there’s remedies. We can apologize,” Kristine explains. “Shame says you are a bad person or you are an inadequate person or you are an unworthy person. So it’s a definition of the self.”
This concept is heavily backed by clinical research. According to studies published by the National Institutes of Health, guilt is focused on specific actions, whereas shame is a painful, generalized evaluation of the entire self. Kristine pointed out something fascinating during our chat. “And interestingly enough, there’s only two emotions that comment on the self,” she noted. “One of them is I’m proud of myself. And the other one is I’m ashamed of myself.”
Why Your Inner Critic is a Biological Survival Skill
When we talk about executive dysfunction or feeling paralyzed by our thoughts, we have to look at the biology behind it. Shame is actually a nervous system response. When mammals face a threat, they typically go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Kristine shared that shame aligns with a fourth trauma response: fawn.
“It is collapse, submit, appease,” she says. “And that is the shame response.”
If you grew up in an environment where your best was never good enough, your brain literally wired itself to perform and appease others just to maintain a connection. Your inner critic developed as a way to keep you safe from rejection. Knowing this science helps remove the stigma, but it also requires accountability on our end. We can no longer blame our biology forever. We have to actively recognize these neurological pathways and choose to build healthier boundaries.
Moving Past Toxic Positivity to Actually Heal
We live in a culture obsessed with “good vibes only.” As someone who used to say that all the time, I had to learn the hard way that you cannot just positive-think your way out of deep-seated trauma.
Kristine emphasizes that healing is messy and it requires us to feel the uncomfortable emotions we were not allowed to express as kids.
Here are a few actionable steps based on her clinical expertise:
- Notice the voice: Before you try to fix your inner critic, just notice when it speaks up. Acknowledge its presence without immediately reacting to it.
- Ground your environment: If you are stuck in bed spinning in a shame spiral, change your sensory input. Take a shower, pet your cat, or listen to music to help reset your nervous system.
- Aim for good enough: Perfectionism fuels imposter syndrome. Give yourself the grace to shoot for the B-minus instead of the A-plus.
If you want to truly understand these biological responses and get actionable tools for recovery, I highly encourage you to pick up Kristine’s book, Bruised Not Broken, directly on Amazon and visit her official website at https://kristine-jensen.com/.
People Also Ask
Q: How do you quiet your inner critic? A: Kristine suggests that instead of arguing with the inner critic, you should simply refuse to absorb its message. Recognize that the voice does not have any helpful information for you. Ground yourself in the present moment rather than fighting a mental battle.
Q: What is the main cause of imposter syndrome in adults? A: Clinical experts note that imposter syndrome often stems from early environments where love and approval felt conditional. High achievers develop a “professional self” that looks incredibly competent, while their “personal self” lags behind in confidence, constantly expecting to be exposed as a fraud.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed mental health professional. I am just a guy sharing my story. Please seek professional help if you are struggling.
Much love. Good vibes. – Ky
