ADHD Friendships and Finding Your People (ft. Trina Haynes)

Trina Haynes (00:00)
And then at the

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (00:00)
Yes.

Trina Haynes (00:00)
end of the day, when I finally sit down, I’m like, I didn’t text that person back. I didn’t call that person back. And ultimately you just end up feeling like a horrible person. You feel like

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (00:09)
Yes.

Trina Haynes (00:10)
a horrible friend, like you’re not there for anyone. And it is, it’s really bad for your self-esteem.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (00:16)
Welcome to The Vibe With Ky Podcast, the show where we talk openly and honestly about mental health and the beautiful mess of being an adult in today’s world. My name is Kyrus Keenan Westcott. Thank you so much for being here today. Today we are talking about friendship with ADHD. For a lot of us, making friends and keeping them can feel so much harder than it looks for everybody else. And the guilt that builds up can make it easier to just pull away.

So, what do you do when you can’t find the people who actually get you? My guest today is Trina Haynes, the founder of My Lady ADHD, a community for late diagnosed women with ADHD and a community builder with NeuroDiversion, an event that I love. When Trina was diagnosed in her 30s, she went looking for one or two other women just like her, and she found 200,000 of them.

She’s also a very close friend of mine and one of the people who welcomed me into the ADHD community. I’m very thankful for her. If you’ve ever wondered whether your people are even out there, this conversation is going to show you that yes, they absolutely are. And that sometimes the way that you find them is by building the room yourself.

Before we get started, if you want more mental health conversations and resources just like this, make sure you visit my website at thevibewithky.com or follow me @TheVibeWithKy on all of your favorite social media platforms. With that said, my friends, sit back, relax, and enjoy my chat with my good friend, Trina Haynes, on The Vibe With Ky Podcast.

Trina Haynes (01:47)
Hi, thank you so much. That was

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (01:48)
It’s so nice to speak with you.

Trina Haynes (01:50)
I know. And we can tell the audience that we tried to record this like seven times, right? Like we didn’t

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (01:54)
I was gonna say

I was gonna say our our ADHD selves, this is this is attempt number three and we we’re actually doing it now. We’re actually doing it.

Trina Haynes (02:01)
Yeah. Well, I mean it kind

of goes hand in hand with what we’re talking about, right? Like I we

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (02:07)
It does.

Trina Haynes (02:08)
had to be relentless to keep this going.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (02:10)
Yes, yes, yes. And I’m glad we did because we

are we are legitimate friends, that that got to hang out. And I I wanna I wanna start with My Lady ADHD here because you built My Lady ADHD from the ground up after your own diagnosis and and by your own account you went looking for maybe one or two other women who felt like you and it ended up finding

What

two hundred thousand people? Yeah, just a couple hundred

Trina Haynes (02:34)
Just just a couple hundred thousand, you know.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (02:36)
thousand. Yeah. What was what was going through your mind in that first stretch when you realized that this was just not it was it’s not just you anymore, that this was a pattern that that other people are exhibiting as well. What was going through your mind?

Trina Haynes (02:50)
Yeah, it’s so funny because when I was diagnosed, I actually truly did not know that women could have ADHD. I really

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (02:57)
Sure, sure. Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (02:58)
truly thought that it was a little boy thing. every exactly that was my

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (03:01)
That couldn’t sit still in class, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (03:05)
image of ADHD. And so when I got diagnosed with ADHD, first of all I didn’t really believe it. second of all, I was like, I wonder if I can find another woman like me to talk to about this.

And so that’s why I went online and started sharing about my story a little bit, about my experiences with ADHD, and very quickly realized, yes, women do have ADHD, and there’s a lot of us. And a

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (03:29)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (03:30)
lot of us were getting diagnosed around the same time. So this was right around COVID when everyone’s schedules were really changing and the load of executive functioning was just really heavy and all over the place. And a lot of women were getting diagnosed around the same time.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (03:45)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (03:45)
so I went from like knowing no women with ADHD to knowing like what felt like every woman with ADHD.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (03:51)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (03:51)
and it was so healing for me. I always say that I started it with very selfish intentions. Like I just

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (03:58)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (03:59)
wanted to feel better in my skin and like understand what was going on. And then I ended up just meeting so many women. I started hosting women’s retreats for ADHDers. I’ve and we can get into some of the other things that I’ve

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (04:11)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (04:12)
gotten to do because of that, but it all kind of comes down to just feeling like I was super alone

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (04:17)
Mm.

Trina Haynes (04:18)
and reaching out for help for someone to relate to and taking that really tough step to do that. And

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (04:25)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (04:26)
yeah, it led to some incredible opportunities. I’ve gotten to do some really cool things. I’ve gotten to meet so many women. I’ve got to really be involved in advocacy for women with ADHD on the back end. I’ve done a lot with a ton of organizations and

yeah, it’s all comes from just being really vulnerable online, which is so wild.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (04:43)
Yeah. Yeah.

I wanna talk I wanna talk about that isolation that you were just talking about because before my light My Lady ADHD became a full community, it started out as one person search for company, right? For the person that’s listening right now who has never told anyone that they feel isolated in their own diagnosis, what does it look like to take the the the first step the way that you did?

Trina Haynes (05:08)
Yeah. gosh, it’s so hard. I feel like it’s so different for everyone. I think what I

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (05:11)
Sure.

Trina Haynes (05:11)
did was I started to just follow people that I resonated with on social media. I I started with social media. I start I joined CHADD which is an organization for ADHD, and I just started educating myself super hard on my brain and how my brain works. And and then when I started putting myself out there, I

I don’t, I think I was in that hyperfocus of like, I was just in the rabbit hole. Like I

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (05:38)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (05:39)
was so deep in the rabbit hole. Like I was learning so much about ADHD. And I just wanted to share that information.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (05:44)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (05:45)
so I think it can be as simple as when I know when you’re out in the wild, like you even see people with ADHD, like there’s conversation about it at the register. There’s people talking about it in the wild. Like I know that you hear this. Whoever’s listening to this.

I know you’ve heard people talk about it. And I think maybe if that’s a good place to start is like just mention to a stranger, like, hey, right there with you. Like, I also have ADHD. And you will find the most incredible, open people having really beautiful conversations around ADHD just by paying attention in the wild,

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (06:19)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (06:20)
as well as like following people online. So even if your step isn’t like super bold, like going online and going live on Instagram and talking about ADHD.

There’s ways to just start talking about it organically, that I think will make you feel more comfortable with it. I don’t know. What do you think? Do you don’t

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (06:36)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (06:38)
you like hear it when now when you’re out everywhere it’s like ADHD is the topic?

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (06:41)
my gosh.

Yeah. And I think social media plays a a big role in that. you know, ha I I I love that the conversation is easier a little bit easier to have now because people are starting to understand what it is. Cause like even like you said, when you first learned about ADHD, you’re like, No, there’s no way. That’s just for little boys that sit in the that can’t sit still in class. but now people are starting to realize it’s a lot deeper than that. There’s

a lot more to it. And so these conversations are being had. And you know, listening to your story, it kind of it does remind me of of my own story a little bit because I I didn’t I didn’t go looking to build anything. I I just I just wanted someone to tell me that I wasn’t making this up.

And what’s great about you is and you and and the NeuroDiversion community, y’all have played a major role in in my life there. you’ve done a lot of deep work with NeuroDiversion which is an event that I was so lucky to be a part of this year, thanks to you. I mean, we’ve worked together on a couple different projects, but

I I’ll never forget getting the phone call. I don’t it was an email. I got an email from you. And you’re like, hey Ky, can you come speak at our event? It’s like, what was it like three weeks away or I think something like that? it was it was

Trina Haynes (07:58)
Maybe sooner. It might have been like the week before. Yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (08:01)
pretty it was pretty close. I was in Disney on vacation at the time and you you

Trina Haynes (08:04)
Yes.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (08:05)
were like you’re like, Ky, can you come speak to this event? I think it was like two weeks before. and and and you invited me.

Trina Haynes (08:10)
Yeah, you were like in line at Space Mountain and I was like, Well, can

I talk to you about this really quick? you were so gracious

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (08:15)
Yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (08:16)
to to fill in for us and you blew everyone away at that event. so much fun. Yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (08:20)
It was so much fun. It was so much fun. And I love I love that community. Cause like cause you guys are

building spaces where neurodivert neurodivergent people can actually connect in person and not just online. What made you say yes to building that kind of in-person space when you like a lot of us, like a lot of the people that you and I are friends with, like we have these massive digital communities, but you put a lot of

effort into making connections with people in person. Wha what what made you say yes to focusing on in person events w for people that usually kind of survive online?

Trina Haynes (08:57)
Yeah, I think it’s a it’s like a lot of things. I mean, it’s kind of the stars

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (09:00)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (09:00)
aligning in some ways. I I kind of grew up in the events space. I was a

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (09:05)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (09:05)
wedding coordinator. I’ve always managed large galas and big events. And

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (09:09)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (09:10)
I really, really saw the value in people being together in person, even before any of this started.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (09:14)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (09:16)
and then it came from yes, I built this audience and we were all online and we were all connecting, we were talking all the time and sharing resources and laughing together and crying together.

And we a couple of us had decided, hey, let’s go to this ADHD conference. It’s CHADD puts on an ADHD conference every year. And so we decided to just meet there and a big group of us met there. This was probably six years ago-ish. And we had an amazing time together. It was like I like to describe it as I walked in, like everything was black and white, and then I went to that conference and everything was like rainbow, like Wizard of Oz.

Technicolor.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (09:53)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (09:54)
Like I could unmask for the first time in front of a a whole room of people.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (09:59)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (09:59)
it was a wild experience. And I walked away from that going, I need to give this to more people. Not enough people have access to this. It’s mostly a clinical conference. So it’s a lot of experts and clinicians that attend that event, and really like normies, quote unquote, were not the main

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (10:16)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (10:17)
goal there. And so after that event, I

Put on my first women’s retreat. I did it in Jamaica. I in true ADHD fashion. There was a documentary crew following me around. It was very insane. and so we did that and I fell in love with it again. I’m like, okay, more and more people need to be together. and then

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (10:34)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (10:34)
I got connected just with the right people at the right time, and we all decided that this was needed for the community. and so there it is a true community-driven mission-driven event. There’s

so many content creators and ADHD advocates and autism advocates that

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (10:49)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (10:50)
came together to put together this event. and it takes place in Austin. I’m just I’ll throw that out there. It takes place in Austin every March.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (10:55)
It was it it was a great

city. my god. I that was my first time there. I had a blast in that city.

Trina Haynes (11:00)
Mine too. I’ve

yeah, I’m falling in love with Austin every time we go back. so it yeah, it takes place in late March. this we had our second event. The first year was amazing. The second event was just a couple months ago and it it really blew us out of the water, doubled in size. it’s evolving every year. We’re probably gonna continue to double.

And we just really saw that there really is a need for something like this. Like people want to get off their

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (11:24)
Yes.

Trina Haynes (11:25)
phones and people want to be in real life and they they want

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (11:27)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (11:27)
to experience things together. And that’s how you really build friendships and relationships. And

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (11:33)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (11:34)
I think it’s so important and it has become like a passion project for me for sure. I love seeing it evolve. I love like all of these connections that I’ve made, getting them in the room together, and then they go on and they partner together and they work together and they

fall in love. We have we’ve actually had that happen as well. And it’s just been

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (11:50)
Yes. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (11:53)
wild. And it proves to me how important it is, especially I think for people with ADHD, to be in a space where they can unmask and it’s so safe and comforting and silly and playful and and it’s just the bet it is literally the best. and

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (12:09)
yeah. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (12:11)
so yeah, I’m very excited and I

was so grateful that you could come and experience it for yourself because I tried

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (12:17)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (12:17)
to get you to come a couple ti a couple of years, you know. The second year I was like, okay,

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (12:19)
Yes, yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (12:21)
I think I’m just gonna have to have him speak. And

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (12:24)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (12:25)
yeah. So that’s how that happened. But it’s it’s been it’s been a really cool thing to see evolve

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (12:27)
It was so much fun. Like I I had a blast. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (12:32)
for me personally. It’s very satisfying. So

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (12:35)
Yeah. And what’s cool is that like even like whether whether you’re a content creator or not, obviously you can go and have a great time. But what what I loved personally is that there were so many content creators, people that I look up to in the content creation space, that I got to meet and hang out with in person. And

Trina Haynes (12:55)
So wild,

right?

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (12:56)
Like it it’s like it was just like so

cool because like we’re I’m so I I felt like I knew everybody already because of how much we’ve done together online. And so

Trina Haynes (13:06)
Yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (13:07)
I’ll never forget walking into the house that one night, my first night there, and I’m like, I know everybody here, but I don’t know anybody here, you know. And so I walked in and it

Trina Haynes (13:18)
Wild.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (13:18)
was like it was like seeing friends that I’ve known for the longest time, even though that was our first time meeting in person.

But like meeting in person,

Trina Haynes (13:25)
Yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (13:26)
it kind of took it to another level. and like you you and and the neurodivergent community just accepted me like right in. And I felt so comfy and I felt so loved

Trina Haynes (13:36)
Obviously.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (13:37)
and accepted. And it was such so much fun. And I for everybody listening and watching right now, I I cannot, I cannot say this enough. Come to this event.

and and and

Trina Haynes (13:46)
Please.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (13:46)
yeah, no, definitely come to the event and what and you’ve probably gotten these stories too, and I’ll I’ll allow you allow this allow you to you know, talk about this more eloquently than I. But one of the things that I loved the most is that there was a ton of people that would bring either their husband or their wife or their son or daughter that may not be necessarily like diagnosed with anything. They were just coming just so that per the person wouldn’t come alone. And even like they had a good time too.

You know, that’s the kind of like energy that we have there. What what was for you, what was like the biggest takeaway for for this event and why should people come?

Trina Haynes (14:21)
That’s so hard. you know, a lot of people walk away, like there’s like a a lot of quotes that are very similar. And people will say, I feel seen, I feel seen, I feel seen, I feel seen, I feel empowered, I feel I don’t know. It’s it’s like a part of something that they weren’t a part of before. and it’s it’s been really incredible. I think you probably remember I pretty much cried the entire time. It’s a three-day event.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (14:46)
I did learn you were a crier. I did learn that, yes. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (14:47)
I’m bawling. I I cry the whole time. it’s

a lot. You know, a lot of people like me, they felt like an alien or like just,

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (14:56)
Yes.

Trina Haynes (14:57)
you know, it’s you you hear the the statistic about all the negative comments we get like throughout childhood and so many more than a neurotypical person. Like and that stat always blows me away. But this is a space where everyone accepts you and like

loves not only accepts you but like loves the person that you are and loves the quirks and the and you can interrupt in a conversation like you can flat out leave the conversation come back

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (15:23)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (15:23)
and like no one is judging you and

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (15:25)
Yes.

Trina Haynes (15:26)
it’s really hard to I find it sometimes hard to go back into the real world after this event. I think it’s like a little bit jarring.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (15:32)
Yes, it was.

Trina Haynes (15:35)
but it it is eye-opening to

See that that’s a possibility for you, that you can be in a space like that. It kind of makes you look at your life and and reevaluate the people that are in it. And like, you know, the people that are making you feel less than or just always criticizing you, or like

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (15:52)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (15:52)
I it just makes you look at when you go back home, like, it doesn’t have to be this way. Like there’s other options for me. And that’s the biggest thing that I hope that people do take out of it is they go home and they actually like look at their lives and

decide

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (16:06)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (16:06)
to choose better or differently and surround themselves with different friends if they need to, you know, like it’s a it’s a hard thing. But

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (16:12)
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (16:15)
I find myself every year coming back like, wow, that was so fun and so amazing and so freeing that I don’t want to hide that anymore. Like,

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (16:25)
Yes. Yes.

Trina Haynes (16:26)
yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (16:27)
Yeah, it’s a it’s a beautiful feeling to like walk away. Like I walked away like genuine like with with genuine friends that I truly care about deeply. And like that that’s that’s the kind of community that a lot of us ADHDers need. so I w let’s dive into this a little bit more in regards to like the ADHD and and the community and and and all of that. I know there’s a lot of professionals that listen to this. and they have a calendar full of meetings, but

You

know, these people that live these professional lives, they have a calendar full of meetings and things to do, but they don’t have a single friend that they’ve talked to outside of work probably in maybe months. In what ways have you seen ADHD make it hard to protect the difference between being surrounded by people and actually being known by them?

Trina Haynes (17:14)
Wow. Well, first off, I know we would kind of want to talk about just friendship overall and how difficult

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (17:18)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (17:19)
it can be to maintain friendships as someone with ADHD.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (17:22)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (17:23)
It’s incredibly hard. And like you were saying earlier, like I am spending a lot of energy just like trying to remember to eat and take care of myself and brush my teeth and shower and like I

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (17:35)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (17:35)
the executive functioning skills that I have to just survive the day.

Or it’s so much. And then at the

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (17:40)
Yes.

Trina Haynes (17:41)
end of the day, when I finally sit down, I’m like, I didn’t text that person back. I didn’t call that person back. And ultimately you just end up feeling like a horrible person. You feel like

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (17:50)
Yes.

Trina Haynes (17:50)
a horrible friend, like you’re not there for anyone. And it is, it’s really bad for your self-esteem. It’s bad, just it feels icky. And I don’t I

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (18:00)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (18:00)
do this with my family. I’m the same with my family. I get, you know,

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (18:03)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (18:03)
chastised all the time for not.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (18:05)
Same, same.

Trina Haynes (18:06)
Keeping up with family.

It is such it’s it’s always hard. I can’t I can’t say like, I figured it out and it’s great now. Like it’s literally

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (18:12)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (18:13)
so hard for me still. through the community, I’ve learned like little hacks here and there that help me and I can drop a couple of those if need be.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (18:19)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (18:22)
but it is just a work in progress to like keep up with that. And it’s it’s so

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (18:27)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (18:27)
crazy.

I don’t know. I I don’t even remember the question, but I that that’s how bad my executive functioning skills are.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (18:33)
No,

no, no, but that’s perfect. Actually, because like you were talking about the like we were talking about like the isolation that we feel sometimes, right? And I I was reading this research recently about ADHD and loneliness, and it found that people with ADHD often reported significantly higher levels of loneliness than those without it.

And those researchers found that internalizing behaviors, including emotional and peer problems, had significant positive correlations with isolation, loneliness, and friendship loneliness. In what ways has that has that internal narrative that we tell ourselves, that sense that something is wrong with you, like you were imagining before, that something’s wrong with you, rather than that the friendship is genuinely harder to maintain with this type of brain that we have?

Like h h how how how does that show up for us? Like what can we do about that? Especially for like you speak you spoke with a lot of women who have similar stories as you. can you share what that’s like for us to to go through that and what we can do about it maybe?

Trina Haynes (19:39)
Yeah, I mean, just the internal stuff that you’re talking about is it’s comes down to shame. There’s so much shame involved in all of this.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (19:45)
Yes, yes.

Trina Haynes (19:48)
and I don’t know about you, but again, I have family or friends who are kind of not always the most gracious about it and forgiving about it, you know, like they

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (19:54)
Mm-hmm. Yep.

Trina Haynes (19:55)
expect a certain something out of you and it’s really shameful. And I don’t and also it can spiral, right? So you’re just like, I can’t call them back because they’re mad at me and like I don’t I don’t want to get into it and

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (20:05)
Yep. my gosh, yes.

Trina Haynes (20:08)
Yeah, I we live the same life. yeah, it’s tough. It’s super, super tough. And like there are little things you can do. I do recommend there’s a there’s a book that just came out by I think it’s Dr. Carolyn. It’s a friendship sk and ADHD skills book. I’ll have to look it up.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (20:23)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (20:25)
but it’s that’s a good resource. Just flat out that’s a great resource. but

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (20:29)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (20:30)
there’s you know, being really

communicative with the people in your life and really explaining like, hey, this is a struggle for me. And you know, like something

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (20:37)
Yes, yes.

Trina Haynes (20:39)
that helps me is like, I need it on my calendar. If we’re gonna have a like, can we have a Zoom meeting? Like I literally started

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (20:45)
Right, right.

Trina Haynes (20:46)
having Zoom calls with my sisters. Like

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (20:49)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (20:50)
I they want to just text me and call me and like, cool, but I’m not the greatest at keeping up with that. Like if we have a scheduled Zoom call, like I’ll be there.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (20:57)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (20:58)
And so there’s like little teeny workarounds that

you know, hopefully your family and friends can give you some leniency there. And I know it’s not a perfect system. but just being really honest about what you’re struggling with and

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (21:11)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (21:11)
trying to work together to come up with some sort of solution. like maybe it’s every Sunday. We don’t even we t text a picture of our s we text a selfie every Sunday. and

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (21:21)
Mm-hmm. Yes, yeah.

Trina Haynes (21:23)
maybe they’re okay if it’s not every Sunday. Like

Tell them, you know, maybe I’ll miss a few. I think it’s just being

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (21:28)
Right.

Trina Haynes (21:29)
really honest. But it’s an the other thing is finding I hate to say this, but like ADHD friends are so forgiving. They are so forgiving and so understanding.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (21:36)
Yes, absolutely. Yes.

Trina Haynes (21:39)
And if you’re getting chastised constantly for this, like if this is something that is really like you’re getting beat up for, like I hate to say it, but might be the friends that you’re surrounding yourself with.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (21:51)
Yes, especially if there’s no empathy, if there’s

absolutely no empathy from them, you know, at all. Yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (21:55)
Yeah. Yeah, because now

I find myself now in these groups of people who literally everyone has ADHD and we have WhatsApp groups and you’re in several of them. And it

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:05)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (22:05)
is the most forgiving, loving. I can cancel. I can I can leave early. I can cancel. I can

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:08)
yeah. yeah.

Trina Haynes (22:10)
show up late. I can I mean, I could literally do anything to these people and they still love me. And I think there are

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:15)
Yes.

Trina Haynes (22:16)
people like that out there. And a lot of us just are not in those relationships. We’ve we’ve kind of

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:22)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (22:22)
just not gravitated towards those people.

And I just always want to tell people, like, those people are out there. Like, if you haven’t found

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:28)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (22:28)
those people, like you have to keep looking because they are they’re definitely out there. I found

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:33)
Yes.

Trina Haynes (22:34)
a whole lot of them. I put them in a room together in Austin, Texas. And they do exist, you know. And so if this

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:36)
Yes. Yes you did. Yes you did. Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (22:41)
is something that you’re getting beat up for all the time and like you really have a lot of shame around, I would say put yourself in different rooms. You know, a lot of people.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:48)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (22:48)
Like improv is a good group of

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:50)
Mm.

Trina Haynes (22:50)
people that are generally like, I’m a little neurodivergent. like

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:53)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (22:54)
those and I think you’re you do theater and improv and that kind of thing. so just

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (22:56)
Mm-hmm. I do, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (22:59)
maybe finding yourself in different rooms

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (23:02)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (23:03)
would also help.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (23:04)
Yeah, absolutely. I and I know that there’s one, a lot of parents that listen to this podcast. And I know you’ve speaking you’ve spoken with a lot of women who are parents. And one of the biggest things that I get asked, and I always tell people, you know, I’m not a parent myself, and I’m not a professional, but I love hearing their stories, because I think it’s important, especially because that’s like the main crux of my audience.

But for the parent that’s listening right now who is watching their kid struggle to keep friends and maybe they’re quietly wondering if it’s something that they did wrong as a parent, how how would you help that parent understand what’s actually happening with their kid?

Trina Haynes (23:39)
Yeah, gosh, it’s so hard. So I have I have a 17 year old daughter with autism. And so we’ve I’ve we’ve walked that path. I

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (23:47)
Yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (23:48)
would say obviously you’re gonna keep trying because you’re a parent and you love your kid and you’re you’re gonna do everything you can for them. you know, really looking at your kids what they want to do, what with their time and putting them again, putting them in the room.

With those people that love the same things. If your kid is like obsessed with Pokémon or obsessed with pottery or obsessed with

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (24:08)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (24:09)
collaging or whatever, like try so hard to put them in rooms with kids that like the same things as them. I think that’s a very simple step, but you know, it’s hard. You sometimes have to keep you just have to keep plugging away at it.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (24:22)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (24:23)
you know, it a lot of the negative messages that we heard as kids.

Just like remembering those and trying so

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (24:29)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (24:30)
hard not to to do that to the kids in your life, you know, to think about how many negative messages they’re hearing. And maybe there’s a different way to say things that’s not why are you

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (24:40)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (24:40)
doing it that way? Why haven’t you done this? Why are when are you know, just writing

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (24:43)
Right, right.

Trina Haynes (24:44)
them? I don’t know. I think I think I don’t know how to answer this because I my kid’s seventeen, you know, we’re kind of it’s been a while.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (24:52)
No, that’s fair. That’s fair. Yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (24:52)
She has a she has a flourishing like social life at this point. and a lot of it is just

I think it’s easier personally that I have ADHD and we’re neurodivergent together and we walk that path together. and just

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (25:03)
Mm. Mm. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (25:08)
resonating with your kid, like, yeah, I have this too, like I’m struggling with this too.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (25:11)
That right there. Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (25:13)
and what can we do together? Like, hey, what play with the systems in your household, like

Not one system’s gonna work the whole time. You’re gonna have to have a few systems that you rotate and

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (25:23)
Mm.

Trina Haynes (25:23)
you have a toolbox of systems. And

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (25:25)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (25:26)
it’s same thing with the friendship, you just you know be honest with your kid about why this is hard for them, maybe. And I don’t know. I think I’m rambling, but

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (25:33)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, no, no, no. No, I think I think you you nailed you

nailed it because it it you know, I think resonating with your child and and and I always say work with your brain, not against it. And I think that’s key for parents as well to work with their brains and not against it. ‘Cause there’s a lot of neurotypical things that neurodivergent people try to

hold ourselves to and our children to. But like it just doesn’t work that way. But when you’re able to empathize with what your child is going through and and find ways to work with their brain, I feel like that makes it easier for them as it just like as it does for us to, you know, to work with our brain instead of against it. And like and as we’re talking about this, I I keep thinking about masking in this context because I I like I spent years pretending to be fine.

In

a room full of people because I didn’t trust that the real version of me would be interested interesting enough to keep around. one of your key messages is that if you cannot find the community that you’re looking for, you need to build it yourself. For someone that’s listening today that hears that message.

Can you explain to them what that means? If you cannot find the community you’re looking for, you need to build it yourself. What does that mean?

Trina Haynes (26:48)
Yeah, I think I’ll take it back to about ten years ago. I was looking to lose a bunch of I was looking to lose weight and work out. And I lived in a really nice neighborhood and I put out on a Facebook group like, Hey, I’m gonna work out at this time and Saturday morning if anyone wants to join me. And slowly but surely about twenty five women ended up meeting every single week to meet and work out.

So it’s like

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (27:13)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (27:13)
putting out a a note, a message, a what do you call it? Like a a Discord channel or, you know, just putting it out there because a lot of people one, they don’t know how to do this or they’re afraid or they think no one will respond. And you know what? Maybe no one will respond the first few times, but you have to keep trying. like

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (27:32)
Absolutely.

Trina Haynes (27:33)
the the first time I worked out with that worker.

group there was like two of us, you know, and then they told their friends and they told their friends. And then pretty soon

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (27:37)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (27:40)
the group was gig gigantic and I couldn’t manage it anymore.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (27:43)
Yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (27:44)
but that’s kind of how it’s also started with My Lady ADHD and like all these, you know, things that I’ve started. It’s just throwing it out there. Who wants

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (27:53)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (27:54)
to meet with me to do this? Does anyone want to start a book club? Does anyone

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (27:59)
Mm.

Trina Haynes (27:59)
want to do this? And honestly that has been

How it works for me is just throwing it out there and

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (28:04)
Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (28:08)
seeing what the response is. And it’s just a really simple way. Luckily we have social media where we can do those kind of things. But even

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (28:13)
Makes it a little bit easier, yeah.

Trina Haynes (28:15)
if it’s not, like even if it’s a flyer in your community mail mailroom, like who wants

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (28:20)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (28:21)
to have an art night on Friday night? Like,

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (28:23)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (28:24)
bring your own pizza. We’ll have a party. Like people people are yeah, be

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (28:26)
Bring BYOP. BYOP, bring your own

pizza. I’ll go to that party. That’s true.

Trina Haynes (28:30)
BYOC for Ky, but yeah, so I’m thinking like I was thinking bingo and cheese. but yeah. Yeah, I know you would go, right? But who wouldn’t go to that party? But just getting creative

with it and yeah, just putting yourself out there. It’s it is hard to do. But like people are craving it, especially since COVID. Like everyone’s been locked away

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (28:50)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (28:53)
and afraid and six feet apart from one another and afraid to

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (28:56)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (28:57)
you know, be in spaces together and they’re looking for an invitation. Like people are craving this. So if you

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (29:03)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (29:04)
have any kind of inkling to like, I’ve I’ve really always wanted to have a knitting group, like put it out

there. Say something about it. No one is going to join your group if you don’t tell anyone about it. so yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (29:11)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I want to talk about your friend,

your friend Meredith, right? Because you you talked about how much your friend Meredith has changed your relationship with things like burnout, teaching you to to build your days around preventing it rather than just reacting to it once you crash. and how it helped you realize that you you work better in sprints as opposed to marathons.

Can you walk me through what your life looked like before that on like one of the days where you you felt like you were overdoing it a little bit?

Trina Haynes (29:46)
Yeah. So when I was in the first in the ADHD rabbit hole, I ran across a definition just in Google of of ADHD burnout. And it was something like a cycle of overcommitting until you are way too overmit overcommitted and you can’t do it anymore. Right. So it’s just continuously saying yes to things until you have to cancel your whole life and start over.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (30:07)
Right, right, right.

Trina Haynes (30:09)
that’s a really poor definition. That’s not what it said, verbatim.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (30:11)
Ha ha.

Trina Haynes (30:13)
But I was blown away. I felt like that definition was my life. And I realized, okay, I’ve been in burnout perpetually since I was about 16. and so I was I got into the rabbit hole more, right? And so Meredith, one day we were talking and we were talking about burnout, and I was really in it. I was I was really struggling. And she said, you know, I now structure my life. Like every day I wake up and I look at my day, and I’m like, how can I prevent burnout today?

And how can I prevent burnout tomorrow? And what can I do to make sure that I’m not burning out? And it really changed the way that I structured my life. It I schedule in downtime, like seriously schedule in downtime before NeuroDiversion. I have a spa day. And then when I get back, I have a spa day. So

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (30:57)
Mm. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (31:00)
I I cushion really intense, like

events or like maybe a really stressful holiday weekend with family. I try as my hardest to cushion them when I can. I try to do things that I love. Like what what gives me energy? Like I love

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (31:15)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (31:18)
collaging. I mentioned that earlier. I love

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (31:20)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (31:20)
cutting up magazines. It’s like a really weird hobby. But I want to schedule that in no not yet. No, I’m just kidding. so

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (31:24)
Not like a serial killer though, right? Not like cutting up Mac

Trina Haynes (31:30)
So I schedule in time to do those things and I because I won’t do them otherwise. By by the end of the day, I’m like,

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (31:33)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Trina Haynes (31:36)
I’m tired. Like I’m my executive functioning is shot. And so

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (31:39)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (31:40)
I have to schedule downtime in. And yeah, Meredith really opened my eyes to that, just to like the awareness around, like, it’s like it’s like if you know you’re prone to getting the flu and you actively need to take vitamins or you actively need to take Emergen-C to like try to prevent.

The flu. Like I know that I’m prone to burnout and I need to actively take my quote unquote vitamins, which is I need craft nights, I need time with friends,

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (32:06)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (32:07)
I need downtime, I need to go on walks, I need to play with my dog every night. Like there are things that are non-negotiable that if I’m not doing them, I’m gonna find myself in burnout. And I

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (32:18)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (32:19)
usually can tell one of my so sorry to ramble on this, but one of my things that

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (32:22)
You’re good.

Trina Haynes (32:23)
I am very proud of is that I

journal every single night for the past like 10

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (32:27)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (32:27)
years. and I when I stop journaling, when I miss a few nights in a row, that’s a big red flag to me of like, you’re something’s up. Like you’re gonna be in burnout if you don’t change something in your schedule. Because this is something that’s so integral for my regulation to help me regulate that when I miss a few days, I’m like automatically like,

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (32:49)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (32:49)
something something’s off. And so just to recognize

what those things are, like, I love my riding my bike, but I haven’t ridden my bike in like three weeks. Like, what’s going on?

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (32:59)
Mm-hmm.

Trina Haynes (33:00)
and just being aware of of those factors in your life, even if you just like journal about it.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (33:06)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. Shout out to friends like Meredith that that keep us that that keep us on track. So that’s that’s the importance of finding friends that understand because they’re able to drop insight like that.

Trina Haynes (33:16)
And then Meredith has

Meredith has a book that you should check out also. it’s called It All Makes Sense Now. and her name is Meredith Carder and it’s an ADHD book from the perspective of a late diagnosed female. So I think I just wanna s just wanna drop that in there.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (33:30)
I will include that in the in the in the show notes. Yeah, I’ll I’ll include that in the show

notes so people can just go click and not just check it out, but go buy it. Go check it out. I want to play a little game with you. Is she? is she? that’s perfect. Yeah. yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Trina Haynes (33:39)
Yes, and I believe she’s writing a book about hormones, sorry too. So that’s and I know a lot of women yeah, you’ll have to have her on whenever she gets that finish ’cause it’s it’s it’s so needed.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (33:50)
Any friend of yours is a friend of mine. So it’s all good.

Trina Haynes (33:53)
Love there it is.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (33:54)
I want to play a little game with you. It’s called this or that.

And what’s gonna happen is I’m going to give you a choice of two things. You can choose one or the other or neither or both. It’s not deep. You could just do whatever,

Trina Haynes (34:05)
Ooh, ooh, I like that.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (34:06)
whatever, whatever comes to mind first. You just go with it, okay? Easy enough.

Trina Haynes (34:09)
Let’s do it.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (34:10)
All right, first one. I already know the answer to this one. Body doubling on video or body doubling in person.

Trina Haynes (34:17)
I don’t know. man. I prefer body doubling in person, but I likely won’t get anything done in that scenario. So probably body doubling on video.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (34:23)
That’s fair. Mm-hmm. That’s fair. Number two,

a retreat with strangers or a retreat with your closest friends.

Trina Haynes (34:31)
okay. I I

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (34:32)
There’s pros I think there’s pros

and cons to both.

Trina Haynes (34:35)
I have to say retreat with my friends because right now I’m

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (34:37)
Yeah.

Trina Haynes (34:37)
really missing my friends. yeah. I’d say retreat with my friends.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (34:39)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. That’s fair.

Okay. number three, a sprint day or a marathon day?

Trina Haynes (34:47)
Sprint

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (34:48)
Sprint. Yeah, I’m the same way. I’m the same way. Yeah. Yeah. Number

Trina Haynes (34:50)
I’m just not a marathon person. Yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (34:53)
four, a group chat that never stops buzzing or one quiet friend who checks in once a month.

Trina Haynes (35:00)
that’s so hard. Okay, both I’m using my both card on that one because yeah. I love the group chat. Like it’s so fun, but it can also be over stimulating and overwhelming, especially when they all have ADHD and they all talk

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (35:00)
I didn’t say was gonna be easy. I know, I didn’t say it was gonna be easy. That’s fine. You can’t you you’re allowed to do that. That’s fine. That’s fine. That’s totally fine. and I do too. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Trina Haynes (35:18)
a lot. So yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (35:19)
But like what’s funny

about like our group chat is that it’ll pop off for like a couple of days, like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and then it’ll just disappear. Nothing for like the next year, and then just boom boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. So it’s all good.

Trina Haynes (35:25)
And then nothing. Yeah. Yep. That’s how it works.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (35:32)
and then last one, newsletter that you write at midnight or newsletter that you write at six in the morning.

Trina Haynes (35:38)
Midnight.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (35:39)
Yeah, I’m a night owl. So most of this, most of the work that I do is at night. Yeah. Yeah. I I most of the

Trina Haynes (35:41)
Two AM. Yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (35:44)
work I do is is late at night. So that’s that’s perfect.

guess what? Yeah. something

Trina Haynes (35:48)
If you see me writing anything at six AM, something’s wrong with me.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (35:52)
is yeah, same. If you yeah, like that’s way too early for me to be creative. It doesn’t work like that for me.

Trina Haynes (35:56)
So so early. Yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (35:58)
I got I have one more question for you. And this is the question that I ask all my all my guests. and that is if if there’s one thing that you want people to take away from this conversation today, what is that one thing?

Trina Haynes (36:09)
Hmm.

You’re not alone in what you’re dealing with. There are people like you out there in the world. It’s kind of wild, but they’re there. if you haven’t found them, keep looking. Just keep looking for them. that would be my my biggest tip or advice is to just keep looking. Like if you’re feeling really alone and if it’s if you’re isolated, if you’re lonely, like you you might have to put yourself out there a little bit and it might feel icky.

but it’s totally worth it and you never know, you might get two hundred thousand friends out of it. Yeah.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (36:39)
You never know. You never know. Trina,

Trina, thank you. Honestly, thank you for for hanging out with me today. you have been such a huge part of my own path in this community. and I I don’t think I I can say thank you enough. so I’m glad I get to say it in public. I know, I know. I’m just being honest. Like I’m just happy that

Trina Haynes (36:56)
You I’m a crier Ky, please. We can’t

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (37:01)
I got I get to tell you, and I’m just truly thankful for you.

Trina Haynes (37:04)
Very nice.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (37:04)
you know, not just for this, but

For everything with Shimmer as well. Like you’ve just been such an integral part of welcoming me into this community. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. and for everybody that’s

Trina Haynes (37:13)
thanks. Thanks for saying that. That’s very nice.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (37:16)
yeah, my gosh. I I’m making it a point to make sure I tell people how I feel so that it’s never a question. I

Trina Haynes (37:21)
look at you.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (37:23)
know. Thank you, therapy. You can thank my therapist

Trina Haynes (37:24)
Yeah, very impressed.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (37:25)
for that one.

Kyrus Keenan Westcott (37:26)
A huge thank you to my guest, Trina Haynes. Thank you so much for being a guest on The Vibe With Ky Podcast today. If you enjoyed my conversation with Trina, make sure you go check her out on her Instagram @myladyadhd. I’m gonna have a link to that and also to her website in description of this podcast.

And if this conversation made you wish that you had a room full of people who just get it, that room does exist. It is called NeuroDiversion. It is three days in Austin, Texas, March 24th through the 27th in 2027. And it’s a special room just for ADHD, autistic, and every other kind of neurodivergent person out there. Plus, the people who love them, they’ll be there too. The last two years have completely sold out, and I’ll be there.

It’ll be my second year. It’ll be my second time going. Such a great event. I’m going there and I’m working with the organizers of the event on doing something special for everybody that comes. So you definitely don’t want to miss it. And because you listen to this podcast, just as a thank you for that, we’re giving you fifty dollars off of your ticket to NeuroDiversion. All you have to do is visit the link in the description of this podcast, and you’re gonna get a direct access to that fifty dollar off coupon.

So make sure you go check that out before it’s too late. All of those links are going to be in the description of this podcast. If you enjoyed today’s episode, make sure you go visit my website at thevibewithky.com or follow me @TheVibeWithKy on your favorite social media platforms for even more conversations and content just like this episode. And if you haven’t already, make sure you subscribe so you never miss an episode of this podcast and leave a review so more people can find it. With that said, my friends, thank you so much for watching and for listening. As always, much love, good vibes.

I’ll catch next time. Bye.